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<title>I need your grace, To remind me, To find my own by TrinkitTheCat</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24624076">I need your grace, To remind me, To find my own</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrinkitTheCat/pseuds/TrinkitTheCat'>TrinkitTheCat</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Changing of faiths, Gen, Mild description of a panic attack, Zolf Cleric of Sasha, episode 156 spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:53:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,627</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24624076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrinkitTheCat/pseuds/TrinkitTheCat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Zolf has had faith in many different things throughout his life, and the sea has always helped him through the changes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I need your grace, To remind me, To find my own</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic was born because I was trying to sleep and it would not stop nagging me. I just love the idea of Zolf Cleric of Sasha so much. Everyone should try to breath along with Zolf here, take a deep breath in and out, relax your shoulders and unclench your jaw!</p>
<p>Thanks so much to Jenn for editing my 3am nonsense! You really pulled this whole thing together.</p>
<p>Title lyrics pulled from Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Zolf looks out over the dark sea and sighs, it really has been a crazy past month and a bit. The waves crash onto the pebbles and small shells and he breathes: in, </span>
  <em>
    <span>crash</span>
  </em>
  <span>; out, </span>
  <em>
    <span>swoosh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. In, </span>
  <em>
    <span>crash</span>
  </em>
  <span>; out, </span>
  <em>
    <span>swoosh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He feels at peace for maybe the first time since that day in the mine. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Zolf has always loved the sea. Its vastness, like the stars it reflects so clearly right now, allows him to relax. He’s not so important compared to the sea, it may feel like the weight of the world is on his shoulders sometimes but no matter what he does the sea will always be there. It will crash onto a shore somewhere even if no one hears it. The world will keep breathing. In. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Crash</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Out. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Swoosh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The sound of water moving shells against each other. Creating sand which will one day form mountains and the world continues on. With or without him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But just because Zolf loves the sea doesn't mean he has to love the god of it. Whoever first worshiped Poseidon must not have seen the ocean in the same way Zolf does. They saw the anger and destruction, not the peace and calm and sense of always moving forward Zolf loves so much. He tried so hard, he really did but when he's sad or desperate he let's anger get the better of him, and that's not the way he wants to live. Not when it only hurts himself and others. That's not who he is. So he’s moving on; even if that's almost as hard as staying. The sea never seems to change but Zolf knows change is a gradual process, and like sand, which is created by a million little movements of the sea, each time he breathes, change is happening. It happens in every decision you make, every time a neuron in your brain fires; change is happening, and that's ok. The sea will always be the sea no matter how much it changes and Zolf will always just be Zolf. An old (but not really) dwarf trying his best.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knows that every breath he's taken since he left his friends in Prague has already changed him enough that it doesn't really feel like a choice anymore. He’s already changed so much this is only symbolic.</span>
</p>
<p><span>He stands up and walks unsteadily with his new legs over the unstable pebbles until he reaches where the waves are crashing. Watching the water lap at his toes is strange, at least before he could still feel it in one foot, mechanical legs just don't transmit that kind of thing. Tonight’s a hopeful night though, and he hopes that one day he’ll meet someone who’ll make that possible again. Looking back out over the blackness of the sea he</span> <span>once again focuses on his breath: in, </span><em><span>crash</span></em><span>; and out, </span><em><span>swoosh</span></em><span>, he knows that the future is as uncertain and daunting as the ever changing sea, but he knows that this means there is always a hope for the future and he has that hope in his heart. He knows that where there is change there's always a chance. So he pulls out his trident and places it onto his upturned palms before kneeling. He finally feels the waves on his thighs as water soaks through his pants. He knows it will be ok. </span></p>
<p>
  <span>Zolf lowers the trident into the water and closes his eyes before speaking softly, “Look- we’ve had some good times in the beginning yeah? But for the most part it's been pretty bad. I just...thank you for saving me all that time ago and helping me save my friends," he pauses a moment. Breathes in, </span>
  <em>
    <span>crash</span>
  </em>
  <span>, out, </span>
  <em>
    <span>swoosh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, "but from now on I want to put myself first, and you can’t do that for me.” The sound of a large wave approaching makes him open his eyes and he watches the trident be gently lifted and pulled from his hands and back out into the sea. “So that's goodbye…I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His shirt is now thoroughly drenched, a last parting gift from Poseidon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knows he should leave and go back to where Wilde is waiting. They’ve only been together for a few days, Oscar tracked him down a couple of weeks after Hamid and Sasha went to Rome, they, of course, have yet to return. He’ll go back to the cottage soon. “First a few new prayers,” he says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He centres himself and breathes: in, </span>
  <em>
    <span>crash</span>
  </em>
  <span>; and out, </span>
  <em>
    <span>swoosh</span>
  </em>
  <span>, closes his eyes again and moves his legs to settle more comfortably on his knees. He’s thankful that his new legs don’t have feeling or the pebbles would be getting uncomfortable. He thinks there is almost always a silver lining, sometimes you have to change your perspective to get there. And when there's no silver lining sometimes you just have to hope. “Here’s hoping that Sasha and Hamid and their new friends will return safely,” he says, bowing his head and sending the prayer out into the universe, he sighs “I hope that most of the changes I try to make in this world will be good ones.” The waves continue to crash, Zolf continues to breath and the stars reflect off the sea and then seem to reflect back off the sky, a dazzling light unseen to anyone. “I believe that everything will be okay.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>---</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hamids back. Sashas not. She never will be. Zolf sits on his bed</span>
  <span>,</span>
  <span> and he feels like nothing will ever be ok again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>---</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Zolf’s now standing on a very different beach. This time he can’t see the sea through the tears and can’t hear the waves through the ringing in his ears. He can’t breathe, oh God, he can’t breathe. His knees buckle and he falls to the ground as he sobs. The tears fall from his eyes and collect in his beard and he cries until the sobs turn into hysterical giggles and then turn back into sobs. He cries until his beard is soaked and his eyes burn. He cries until his heart stops pounding and he can hear the sea again. And finally he breathes deeply: in, </span>
  <em>
    <span>crash</span>
  </em>
  <span>; out, </span>
  <em>
    <span>swoosh</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Repeat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s all too big to comprehend, everything was going to shit and it was all just too much. All he wanted to do was crawl into bed and never come out. He was just so angry at everyone and he thought he was over that part of his life. There was a pact he made to himself and the universe that night on the beach and he broke it. Now he thinks he might have no hope left there’s nothing worth it to believe in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was all out of faith but Sasha wrote them a letter? Wrote</span>
  <em>
    <span> him</span>
  </em>
  <span> a letter? Even after he abandoned her, after he told her he would always be there for her and then left. She was able to solve her own problems without him. She literally took her life back and was able to finally get out from under her piece of trash uncle's thumb. She didn't need him in the end. He tried his best but he wasn’t good enough to help her. He never was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yet she still named a kid after him, Sagax, said that his name was synonymous with wise. Still thought of him for the rest of her long life. Sasha still believed in him, still had hope that they would get things right. She believed that one day they would meet again and that Hamid and Azu made it home safe. Zolf sits up from where he is lying on the ground and dries his tears. Keeping focus on the sound of the waves as they rise and fall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had forgotten that there is always change and you can’t stop it, but that’s ok, you just have to adapt. Standing up he brushes the sand from his clothes and looks out over the sea. It’s no longer blurry from tears and it stretches endlessly into the distance. Zolf feels that if he walked out into the sea and just kept swimming, maybe eventually he would end up in the past where Sasha once lived and before he knows it he is once again standing in the serf. He still can’t feel the sand move beneath his feet when the waves swirl around him but now he's met someone who might one day make that possible for others. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hope is not something that can be relied on forever, when things get dark it’s too easy to fall back to the anger and rage, the isolation from others. To feel the terrifying fear that all you’ve ever done amounts to nothing in the end. That your best is never enough. So as he breathes: in, </span>
  <em>
    <span>crash</span>
  </em>
  <span>; out, </span>
  <em>
    <span>swoosh </span>
  </em>
  <span>and the pattern of the sea rocks him back and forth. He knows that it is time for more change. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sasha believed in him and, even if he can’t believe in himself, he’s always believed in her. Believed that she deserved better, believed that she could one day change the world. Make it a better place where kids like her and so many others can be safe and never have to work for a boss they don’t want to work for. Sasha had hope no matter what she went through. She said that sometimes you can’t save the world but you can save a person. And Zolf will try to live up to that, live up to Sasha’s belief in him. He looks out over the dark sea and once more feels at peace. He smiles at the reflection of the stars and whispers, “Cleric of Sasha,” and watches as the stars smile back. </span>
</p>
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